There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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