i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
