Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
