ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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