I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
