My sheets look like a crime scene.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
