I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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