my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
