A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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