My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
