He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
