yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
