she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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