I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize