1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
