No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize