I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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