Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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