My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
