Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
