my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So many bounce houses so little time
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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