somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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