he shaved USA in his pubs
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
