WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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