I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize