Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
