so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
God, I missed his penis.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
