I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
