All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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