Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize