I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize