I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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