Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
