I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
