He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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