I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
