I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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