this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Alive.
So much puke
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
