i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
