I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
