He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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