come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
