We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
