My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize