One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
