Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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