I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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