her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize