Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
