It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
