I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
