you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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