life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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