So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
