I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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