this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just want nice things and good sex
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Randomize
