I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
