Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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