The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
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