so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize