Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
